BALLERS
- Keep her close, Roberto. - Sure.
I give it five stars, Tony. Five stars.
Hey. How you doing?
He may be fashionably late,
but our intrepid leader does not arrive empty-handed.
Are you about to hand us cash or something?
Even better. You cannot sip hundies,
so I've been saving these bad boys for a very special occasion.
Any of you motherfuckers that don't drink wine, fuck you, you start tonight.
- "Go West, young man. Go West." - Why?
What the fuck do you mean, why? It's a super-famous quote.
By who?
I don't... Your fucking mother. I have no idea.
I don't know. Fucking... All right, forget it. You go.
Help him out, Spence. Help him out, baby.
I can't drop a quote, I'm not that smart.
You're fucking Mensa compared to this table.
Let me drop a little knowledge. With success
and self-improvement comes obligation...
And now we know that our brothers,
starting with Mr. Charles Greane, the Big Man himself...
And our other brother, Tricky Ricky Jerret,
on their long, glorious journey to the other coast, California.
We're just relocating. We're not dying, brother.
So much pressure on me
- I feel like I'm dying. - Safe passage, our brothers.
These brothers are flying on private jets, not traveling on wagon trains.
Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to deliver my goddamn toast.
We love you, we will miss you, and we will hold it down until you return.
- Cheers. - I'll drink to that.
May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience,
and enough coins in your pocket to buy yourself a pint. Irish.
- Shut your drunk ass up. - I'll drink to that, too!
Spencer, walking me to my car?
Can't believe it, man. Don't expect a kiss good night.
- Shit. - You might change your mind.
Look at you. I see all that neglect last year didn't go in vain.
- When I tell you I got you, I got you. - I knew that then.
- I just wanted some concrete evidence. - Like an episode of "Dateline"?
Word on the street is, though, you're looking for funds to expand.
- Yes, we're looking to expand. - So am I, baby.
- Count me in. - Sure about that?
Come on, man, hell, yeah. And they got another five coming after that.
I'm feeling the pressure.
You know you want to follow us to L.A.
- No, me and SoCal don't mix. - Why, what's the problem?
It's a long story for another time. Go on, get home.
- I love you. - Love you too.
Los Angeles One month later
It's a little fucking early.
And a happy good morning to you too, Spencer.
- Who is this? - It's Candace Brewer.
Candy. What do I owe the honor of hearing your voice?
I would have assumed you were a morning guy, Spencer.
Picture you at the gym at four a.m. doing curls.
I am a morning guy but today's my cheat day.
Plus, I'm feeling a little under the weather.
I have some info that should boost your immune system.
- I'm always open to good news. - You're on the ballot.
Contrary to public opinion, I'm not ready to throw my hat in the ring yet.
I'm not talking about public service.
Although, with the new brand of politics taking hold, you'll fit right in.
I don't quite know if that's a compliment or not.
I'm talking about the Hall of Fame, Spencer.
And I wouldn't tease you about something this momentous.
Well, I'm actually speechless.
Well, I'm not. Congratulations. It's well earned.
Candy, thank you so much. Really appreciate the call.
You're ten hours early. Calais meeting isn't till six.
Come on, get ready. Got things to do, other people to see.
Like what? Calais is the only reason I agreed to come out here.
- What are you doing? - I heard you talking to somebody.
I thought you pulled something out of the hotel bar last night.
I was talking to Candace Brewer.
The days of me pulling anything out of hotel bars are long gone.
Yeah, me too. Gross. Candy Brewer? Shit.
We're in trouble again, right? I don't care.
She can't hurt me. Old trouble? New trouble?
No, we're fine, I'm just on the ballot for the Hall of Fame.
You motherfucker. Congrats, man.
God, I just got chills. It's like I'm on the ballot too.
Holy shit. You deserve it. Now, come on, shower it up. Let's go.
Let's do it. Do we have to sit in bullshit traffic? What are we doing?
- We're going shopping. - Where we going, Rodeo?
No, Lance Klians. He's an old Burn buddy of mine.
Ran into him last night. He needs to sell his company.
So you're taking advantage of somebody else's misery.
Man, I'm feeling good today. Don't start the day with a lecture on karma.
- What does Lance do? - He's the king of action sports.
- Hi. - Hi, sir.
I'm Andrew, your executive assistant.
- You got something stuck in your eye? - No, sir. It's a twitch.
It goes away after I get to know my boss for a few months. I've had a couple.
- Okay, cool. You just call me Charles. - Thanks, Charles.
First order of business, where do you want your desk and sofa?
Okay. So I'm thinking we push the desk up against the window,
we move the couch over against the wall,
with the coffee table and armchairs facing in.
You're going good now. Something wrong?
It's just not very feng shui your way.
Besides, I thought you'd want it a little bit different than Les.
He had it arranged that way? Why didn't you speak up and say so?
- Sorry to interrupt. - Mr. Thompson. How ya doing?
I'm good. So what are you planning
with the three hundred or so people who work for you now?
Three hundred. I didn't realize there were so many people.
Yeah. You have everyone from administration, communications,
community affairs and engagement, consumer sales and marketing...
- Data analytics. - Andrew. I got it. Everyone.
Is this overwhelming for you? You seem like you're a little overwhelmed.
- No, sir. - Good.
Because basically everyone that works in this building
and in this organization in general, they work for you now, Charles.
- Except you, sir. - Yeah.
In my experience, it's best not to keep people in limbo.
You know, just cut the dead weight fast. Maybe they'll find another job. Yeah?
Call me if you need me.
Whoever says they miss sleeping in their own beds when they're away,
never slept in a fucking five-star hotel.
Don't you love being on the road together? Me and you?
Where we going next? Someplace romantic like the Maldives?
- Take that if the answer's yes! Yes! - Hey, buddy.
Brother. How's the Left Coast? It's pissing rain out here.
The last time I was in L.A., someone slipped me a Mickey at the ESPYs.
I'm not even gonna tell you whose bed I woke up in,
but they looked a helluva lot like Bill Cosby.
Ain't nothing like good old' Miami, where at least the people tell you
they're gonna take advantage of you before they even do it.
While you're out there suffering, I need you to do something for me.
All right. What do you got?
There's a kid I need you to check out. He's the top quarterback in the country.
Yeah. The kid out of Stanford, right? Arm like a cannon?
- No. Not college. High school. - Shit.
His mom's an old friend of the family.
They just need some guidance, that's all. Nothing shady.
- I don't like the optics of this one. - When has that stopped you before?
It's not about you. Everybody with a bag of cash is talking to this kid.
Just do it for me and give them a call while you're out there.
- Only for you. - You're the best. Thank you, brother.
I miss you. What's this?
Got us something special so we could roll in style while we were here.
Hey, am I crazy, or are their palm trees greener than ours?
Nah, they're just thirstier.
God damn! This is a "Real Housewives of Orange County" crib!
- Hell yeah! - Hi! Nice to see you both again.
I think that I am starting to get a feel for what you guys like.
- I like her! - Baby, so sweet. Isn't he?
He sure is. Maybe one day soon I'll find a man just like him.
Bitch, just open the door already.
You know I'm just fucking with you, Nancy.
- Is she? - Don't get me involved.
- So, is it true that you're retired? - We haven't decided that yet.
Like I said before, and I'll say it again, I am retired officially
but the real blessing is I get to spend time with my daughter.
- And with her beautiful mother. - We might go meet with the Chargers.
No, we ain't meeting with the Chargers. Shut the fuck up, T.
I really liked watching you play.
You need to stop that before you get us all killed. Amber don't fuck around.
It has his-and-her bathrooms and his-and-her closets.
Oak and cedar. Hermes orange in the men's.
- Chanel pink in the women's. - Whatever you want to do, baby.
Like they say, "Happy baby mama, happy life". Right?
- It's "Happy wife, happy life," baby. - Is it? Semantics.
Maybe you should show me where the kitchen is
since I'm gonna be the one doing most of the cooking.
It's like a twenty-four-hour day job. Baby Serene can wake up at any time,
and I gotta fry up some shit, you know?
- Let's take it to the window. - You're so crazy.
Yeah. Only way I can tell if I like the house.
- Come here. - Let's give it our blessing.
On, off.
So what'd you say this was? A Viking or a Wolf?
Fifty mil for a concrete box with an "X" on it.
I was expecting just a little bit more.
Maybe they like to keep a lot hidden beneath the surface.
Sort of like you, pal.
My God.
Here you are. Jaguar sixty-seven. An English classic.
Like riding in the Queen's vagina.
Rough ride, but worth it for the prestige.
- I'm Lance Klians. - It's good to see you.
Congratulations on the HOF.
I had to tell Lance. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Just on the ballot. We'll see what happens.
Modesty's your superpower, not mine.
Joe told me a lot about you in a short time.
Said you guys really tore up the playa at the Burn on many occasions.
Nothing quite like Joe here running around
in a pair of steampunk goggles and a banana hammock.
- Christ. Sorry I missed it. - I'm sorry I saw it.
I have no regrets.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Seven years in the making, we specialize in extreme sports.
We got 250 employees, all with impeccable taste, as you can see.
Athletes, branding, distribution, motocross, BMX.
If you can ride it, I can sell you.
You remember that Robbie Madison video "Pipedream" I sent you last year?
- They did that. - Yeah, I did that. With DC Shoes.
I remember that one. That looked expensive.
It was expensive. And it was all on DC's dime.
No, I'm good.
But, to put it into perspective, I don't imagine
it cost a lot more than that exquisite pocket square you're sporting.
Yes, Spencer also has impeccable taste, as do I.
- How do you feel about surfing? - Do you think he floats easily?
My ancestors invented the sport.
Spencer, you're in luck, because the Huntington Surf Classic is next weekend.
- That seems like hella fun. - The pussy is spectacular.
The whole beach is strewn with pussy. That is, if you like pussy.
I do.
This is Annie. She's the head of our branding.
And this bright young thing is Jesse,
she's one of our great up-and-coming stars here at Sports X.
- What up, dudes? - What up?
Lance is keeping the Human Resource department extremely busy these days.
Spencer's very socially responsible.
- We don't mind it. Just Lance's lingo. - That's right, just my cunnilingo.
Do you need to know about our daycare policy, our drug action schemes?
I'm assuming the drugs are pretty prevalent in this culture.
We're more corporate than you might think, Spencer.
I myself am five years sober. Just last week, actually.
- Congratulations. And Burning Man? - Burning Man!
One week hiatus, but other than that, I'm clean.
Ask anybody you want. Let me introduce you to the team.
Fuck off, you lot, the grownups are here, we've got to talk about business.
On your way, get out there and do what you do best.
No one likes a good-looking homeless person. Go on, fuck off.
Lance, I gotta give it to you, man, this is all very impressive,
and I like the vibe that you've created here.
That's really kind of you to say. And also it's really beautiful
that you came over here, knight in shining armor action,
because this situation is properly fucked up.
My financiers say: "We're buying you out."
I say, "Fuck that, I'm buying you out."
Problem is, I don't exactly have $50 million just lying around, you know?
Fifty million dollars is a lot of coin for a shop
that represents pro athletes, regardless of how hyped they are.
They got a surf channel too. Tell him. They're totally vertical.
Joe is telling you the truth. One-one one-three.
Maybe it could be a little easier to get to.
It's no different from typing in 206 for ESPN. We're in 20 million homes.
- Events? Do you own any of those? - No, but we would like to.
Listen, Sports X could be a global Goliath.
Do you really think our corporate cultures would be a good fit?
I can get along with anybody. You will never understand Sports X in a room.
Sports X happened on the beach. Let's get out there,
feel the sand between your toes, the wind blowing through your scalps.
- See what it's really about. - I like it.
Baby, as much as I love house-hunting with you, I'm getting tired.
I'll bet you are.
How do you think I feel? I'm like a bird without a nest, baby.
- Me too. - Shut up, TTD!
Before we send your ass back to South Beach.
You can't get no privacy in my mama's house when we're having sex.
Baby, you don't have to talk about your sexual habits in front of your baby.
Why not, Mama? She knows where she came from. Don't you, Serene?
Let me cover Baby Serene's ears so she don't have to hear this shit.
- Why you keep hitting me? - Shut the fuck up, TTD!
Baby. Your language in front of Serene.
You can take your frustrations out on me if you want to,
But I think you should rent, just in case you want to go back and play.
Don't want to be stuck with some 15 million mansion you ain't living in.
- He ain't going back, TTD. - That's right.
I sat out all season. Didn't miss it at all.
- You telling the truth? - Yeah.
Good. 'Cause you know the rules. Baby goes where Mommy goes,
and Mommy goes where Daddy goes. It's what we call a family.
I don't need to be stuck in some fifteen million dollar Newport Beach mansion
and you gone half the year in Texas.
'Cause that would suck for you.
Ain't gonna happen, baby. All right?
- Who's that? - It's Spencer.
Probably about some investments we're looking into. You know.
So this surf thing is a pretty big deal, Lance.
WSL don't fuck about. Offspring are performing.
- Last year it was Social Distortion. - Yeah. Those are recording artists.
I know that, Joe. I caught them on Warped tour.
You don't strike me as a Warped tour type of guy.
Trust me, I'm not.
We van work around that. The important thing to understand is,
this is not finance, is not football, is more than that. This is lifestyle.
I like our lifestyle in Miami where we have two hundred people counting on us.
So what's a couple hundred more, really, for limitless opportunity?
- Tell me about your current roster. - Pure fire. Tell them, Freelance.
Kelly Slater, Laird Hamilton, Tony Hawk, Robbie Maddison,
Nyjah Huston, Zion Wright, Travis Pastrana.
But best of all, the jewel in the Sports X crown.
Behold Parker Jones.
That's him right there, ripping. He's favored to win the Classic.
- He's black. - No, he's not black. He's green.
This boy is money wrapped in skin.
So you think he's gonna be the Jackie Robinson of surfing?
That he's gonna break the color barrier?
More than that. This kid could be like a black Michael Jackson
with an uncomplicated erotic life.
I don't even know what the fuck that means. But I like your forward thinking.
But this is not our business.
I'm gonna leave you guys to your couples counseling session.
I'm gonna consult with the Great Consigliere in the sky.
All right. We'll be here. Gotta love that guy, right?
This is not us. It's not what we do. This isn't who we are.
Come on, Joe, I got fucking sand in my shoes.
We're anybody we want to be. That's what you always say to me, right?
Were we financial managers? Were we real estate developers?
Were we shoulders for six-five, 300 pound Super Bowl losers to cry on?
No, we were none of those things, but we did it all, right?
You're ready to bet fifty million dollars on your boy Lance?
Yeah. I think so. I mean, you know, with our help...
You think so, or you know? You don't even sound sure, Joe.
Hey. I'm ready.
How long would I have to be out here?
Jesus Christ, man, what is your negative vibe with this place?
Are you delinquent on child support?
Are you ducking a paternity suit with a Laker Girl?
It's complicated, Joe.
I didn't ask for your fucking Facebook status.
I'm just asking for you to get with me on this opportunity.
Text your boy, tell him we'll be back. I want to show you something.
I don't know if he's got his phone on him, but you know, he'll get it.
What's up, y'all? Charles. How ya doing?
- Little chilly in here. - I could have them turn off the A.C.
I'm talking about the reception, Andrew.
- I do feel the ice grill. - Yeah.
I guess everyone's pretty upset that Les is gone.
No, they've just gotten attached to their jobs,
and they know with you here, those days might be numbered.
Excuse me everybody! How y'all doing?
My name is Charles Greane, the new GM of the Rams
as I'm sure most of you already know.
Now, I don't want to be called "sir," or "Mr. Greane," or "Mr. General Manager."
"Charles" is fine.
All right, I just want to let you all know that I respect you all
and I'm here for you during this difficult period of transition.
If have any questions...
Why'd they cancel the chocolate chip cookies?
We don't blitz enough!
That is a statement, not a question, ma'am.
They call the chocolate chip cookie cancelation Cookiegate.
I did not know that. Thank you. What is it that you do here, sir?
- Merchandising. - Licensing and Merchandising.
- One of my favorite departments. - I sell T-shirts at a concession stand.
Still a big contribution. Your job is safe.
Just make sure you stay stocked up with triple-XL
for all the big, cuddly guys.
- What about my job? - Our jobs?
- That's a little bit more complicated. - Bullshit.
Look, we're all here for one another. We can set the tone.
You guys are the backbone of this great organization. You are the Rams!
Are our jobs safe? Yes or no?
Yeah! Hell, yeah, everybody's job is safe! How about that?
All right? And I'm bringing back the damn chocolate chip cookies!
Go Rams! Yeah!
So, what is this? You take me out here to whack me?
No, relax, I'm not gonna kill you, buddy.
Even though I thought about it a ton of times.
Yeah, well, join the club.
I thought about killing myself a bunch of times, but I'm too much of a pussy.
Well, I'm glad you didn't do that. I wouldn't want to lose you, too.
My brother jumped off this bridge.
- Are you fucking with me? - Do I look like I'm fucking with you?
William Strasmore. Took a clean fucking jump and killed himself.
- Jesus! - I was in my junior year at the U.
He was a star QB here for the Trojans.
Yeah, that rings a bell. Strasmore. Shit. Well, what went wrong?
Just nothing went right. Didn't start out like that, though.
- I'm sorry, man. I had no idea. - It's OK. Not many people do.
He was me big brother. The original.
He did everything I did, only much better.
Fuck, I haven't been out here since I buried him.
That's pretty heavy shit, man. Even for me,
and I learned how to cremate my wife on a do-it-yourself website.
L.A. can be a dark place, brother, but for me it's something much worse.
It has an indoor grill and an outdoor grill.
Why you say that like it's some sort of necessity?
You think because we black, we gonna die if we don't have multiple barbecues?
- Don't listen. He's fucking with you. - Shut the fuck up, TTD.
- It's Spence again. - Maybe you should pick it up.
Yeah, you're right. It's probably about that money. Excuse me.
- What up, J? - Hey, how's my long-lost client?
You got that "lost" part right. Tell me something good.
I did what you asked. I made some calls. Good news. We may have a team.
- Okay, who? - Cleveland.
Are you fucking serious? That's worse than being stuck at home with Amber.
Yeah, I thought that you might say that. But, listen!
Now that people know that we're open for business
and that you are ready to play more offers are gonna come.
J, I ain't built for this, man. You gotta save me. All right?
You're the one. Well, you and Jesus.
Listen, Ricky, try putting out some positive energy into the universe,
and you will get good shit back, trust me.
- I love this place. What they asking? - Fifteen mil.
Fuck it! Let's put down some roots.
Is that the kid Jason was calling you about?
He's impressive. Camera-ready, too.
I'm not really looking at the kid, I'm looking at his mom.
- That's his fucking mom? - Yeah.
I stand corrected. You should take that meeting.
- We didn't see you there. - No worries, I know I'm easy to miss.
Yes, you are. Let's have a seat. You follow high school football?
I watch everything and everybody. Figure I'll be seeing the kid in about 3 years.
That's how you become Defensive Player of the Year.
- Exactly. It's all in the prep. - Sort of like life, right?
Yeah. But investing? That scares the shit out of me.
It's all right. That's why we're here, and we're gonna help you.
We pride ourselves on making the right choices.
We're gonna create an investment strategy designed just for you.
Do you have any questions for us?
Jason told me y'all were the best in the business.
So if he trusts you, I trust you.
Plus, you guys flew here to see me, so... I'm in.
- All right. - Let's do it.
- What do I owe? - For the water? We gotcha.
Appreciate it. Now make me some money.
We'll make that money for you.
Well, shit, man. That was easier than I thought it was gonna be.
Because our reputation precedes us,
and deals like this are just gonna get easier and easier.
While others get harder and harder.
- You licking your wounds already? - I'm not, honestly.
I wasn't even thinking about my wounds. I was thinking about yours.
No. Don't think about my wounds. They're way too deep.
Right. That's why I want to get you back to Miami in one piece.
We're not going back to Miami.
Spence...
I so appreciate you indulging me, I really do. But it's not necessary.
I don't need to put my pursuit of success over your mental well-being.
- This is not a healthy place for you. - No, it's not.
No, it's not. Understood. So I'll call Lance and tell him we're out.
Joe, this place may be a bad idea for me, but it's a good one for you.
Plus, it'll force me to take care of my shit.
And that's been a long time coming, my friend.
So we're gonna stay here, we're gonna make that deal.
- You'd do that for me? - I would only do that for you.
I have to do this. I want to do this. I need to do this. Thank you so much!
- Easy, big guy. - You understand. Thank you.
Thank you for suffering for me.
This is gonna be great.